


Not His Eyes, Not Anymore

by goldenforestprince



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon Compliant, Captain America Steve Rogers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Suicidal Thoughts, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 02:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5768671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenforestprince/pseuds/goldenforestprince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's thoughts leading up to him accepting that Bucky isn't himself anymore. Takes place at the end of The Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not His Eyes, Not Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Events probably don't line up completely with what happens in the movie. It's been a while since I've seen it, but I had to get this out.

“You’re my mission!”

Something in Steve’s heart tore itself apart at those words. To know it was one thing, but to hear it was entirely another. All the times Bucky had taken care of him when he was sick, taken extra shifts to be able to feed him when he was still fragile, beaten the sneering youths who had dared to lay a hand on Steve - no matter how much he deserved it - all those memories rammed into him at once, making him lose his breath as if he had gotten another punch to the gut. 

One memory in particular shoved past the rest to the forefront of his mind. When Steve’s mother had died, Bucky had decided it was now his job to care for Steve full time, as if he wasn’t already. He told Steve he was moving in, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Bucky’s words rattled around in his brain as if he was speaking them right then and there. “The thing is, you don’t have to. ‘Cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal.”

Words spoken so carelessly back then, and meant something entirely different, something lighter that Steve couldn’t remember the feeling of anymore. Back then it had meant “I’ll help you out no matter what, because that’s what friends do, no matter the cost.” But what did it mean now?

Steve’s gaze dropped and became unfocused, his fingers loosening around the handle of the shield. Not bothering to watch it fall, the shield dropped through the floor of the helicarrier and into the smoke below. Something twisted in his stomach, and he hated the reality of it.

Beyond any chance in the world, Steve had not only made his way into the next century, but the one person he cared about more than life itself was standing right in front of him. Only, he wasn’t himself, not anymore. All that stood in front of him was a soldier programmed and hellbent on Captain America’s destruction. Steve had watched any chance of reclaiming his friend wither and die right in front of him twice now, and standing on the burning airship, he knew he wouldn’t be getting another chance to try.

Steve could see the rage, determination and desperation as clear as the sun in the eyes of the man in front of him. Violent, hateful emotions that never belonged to James Barnes were now alight in his eyes, and it made Steve sick to see. No matter how badly Steve wanted it, the man in front of him wasn’t Bucky anymore. Bucky had died long ago, after falling from a train in front of Steve’s eyes, inches away from salvation. Bucky didn’t exist anymore.

And if Bucky didn’t exist anymore, how could he?

“Then finish it,” he rasped out, grimacing at the pain in his jaw, and ignoring the pain in his heart. "‘Cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

Steve knew the dark irony those words held. Once a promise of support and life, now a twisted prayer. "Kill me," those words said. "Because I can’t live in a world where you’re not in it. If you won’t exist, then neither will I."

If Steve saw a look of recognition on Bucky’s face before he hit the water, his last fleeting thought before the darkness overtook him was that he must have imagined it.


End file.
